Memoir

Growing up I was a good child, obedient and studious in every way. I wanted good grades for myself and so did my parents. Not knowing how; I continued from year 9 to be extremely serious about my studies to study every day and to want to get good grades – the top of the class.

I remember being seated after GCSE results day; in their presentation evening at Wheelers Lane where I was presented with my GCSEs, with the lights from the stage flooding the room and the people all clapping; knowing that I would achieve the best grades at the school for the few years I was very proud indeed. However, they didn’t see the blood, sweat and tears that went into revising for these exams.

I remember from year 9; I would study religiously in my room and not do much else – self-driven by my greed for the highest grades. I could smell the intensity in the air. I continued to do this; I remember for 1-2 months before an exam I would study 10 hours a day; putting all the time and energy into achieving high marks.

At the time, I did not know why I did this, but I now realise it was due to an increasing sense of insecurity and trauma from bullying at school due to my Autism. I wanted to prove to others that I was of value and worth so one strong way I did this was through my school studies. I could feel the acceptance I would get as a result.

So, I continued to do this and get high grades. Until I reached University where instead of studying deep into the night for 1-2 months before an exam, I would do this for half a year or more, this was when I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was stressing myself out so much that my world would soon flip upside down.

I remember the night; during the day I started getting anxiety attacks when I was breathing very quickly. I continued studying regardless. Then in the night, I had a panic attack of big proportions when I was crying for 6-8 hours, and I felt life as it was – ending. “I cannot cope with this” I said and continued wallowing in despair.

Unfortunately, this was only the start of a shift in my life –I had to take it one day at a time to worry more about my health not being able to work and so on. What was a stopping of one aspect of my life – my ability to contribute to society and to be successful was the start of another journey – my relationship with God.

My relationship with God was what was enduring and faithful during this rough time, it was an anchor in the storm and somewhere I could go to whenever I needed to. Although I had a hard time during this period in my life; I had someone I could turn to and somewhere I could go.

I felt like I experienced a peace and serenity I never experienced before – being grateful to be here and ultimately to experience God’s presence. I had never felt that before and I wanted more of it. So, I read the bible and poured over it in the coming days and also prayed like I had never prayed before.

I proceeded to go through my episode of mental illness when suddenly I remembered in the depths of hell; I read revelation in the bible and the world suddenly shifted around me. I hoped to experience God’s love and peace, but it was eluding me.

I remember standing there and the door of my bedroom became locked, and the world was swirling around me, clinging to hope and life. Not knowing where I was or whether I was in the same world as I was before this incident.

In this vast emptiness where all I could do was talk to others in my mind, I proceeded to panic and worry, not sure where things were or what to do. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and it seemed that I was a skeleton – a shadow of my previous self.

As the experience transcended the current reality into a glimpse of doom, I was lifted out of this 10 days later. Thankfully, although a horrible experience it was something that I needed to start my relationship with Jesus.

My advice is that Jesus is worth it, no matter the cost. And for those who are still waiting upon the decision to follow Jesus my advice is to take it one step at a time but eventually, you will need to commit to this decision – which will be the best decision of your life.

I think that from this experience I have learnt that this life is fickle, and a lot of things can go wrong so even though I am now facing the consequences of my previous mental breakdown I can go forward knowing that Jesus will be with me wherever I go.

This is in itself a worthwhile reason to follow Jesus, yet I say that even more worthwhile is the security we know that later on we have the assurance of being with Jesus in paradise forever in heaven where there is no more sickness and pain which is worth it.

Everyone goes through things whether better or worse than others I think that this life is hard but no matter what we know that God can carry us through this all.

So overall although a negative experience, I feel it was necessary to draw me close to Jesus.